"developer" eh?

Funny way of spelling "spacebar fetishist".

stories of working with bad programmers

That's just stories about programmers.

Now, a story about a good programmer?

That's what we call lies.

Now, I could give you stories about programmers, going back to the days before the internet existed and all of our workstations looked way more futuristic than they do today, when real men wrote real code according to real specs that had been generated through six real months of real meetings that really happened and cocaine, but instead I will go beyond that and give you a generalised algorithm that will allow you to generate your own stupid-IT-cow-worker stories in the comfort of your own gamer chair.

foreach (coworker) {
    if (coworker.style != self.style)
        put BAD_PROGRAMMER;
    if (coworker.preferredlang != self.preferredlang)
        put BAD_PROGRAMMER;
    if (coworker.computerskills() == 0)
        put BAD_PROGRAMMER;
    if (coworker.preferrededitor != self.preferrededitor)
        die $error //TODO swear eternal vengeance; see his line ended; bathe in the blood of his relatives
    }
    GOTO alcoholism;

There, now you too can feel like an IT Veteran - a veritable cybersamurai of the digital wasteland. Now all you need is to develop strong feelings about vim and then you're practically a grognard. And Mike, if you bring down the servers at three in the morning on a saturday again because you and your shitty macbook tried to push an update straight into production, I am going to take my car, and crash it into your fucking house.

why don't you commit something useful?

If you expect me to lower myself to software development then pay me.

optimal market value for a person

Been to a lot of Saudi people-markets then, have you?

submit a better heuristic

My consulting fees are $125 an hour. You can't afford my heuristics.

$45,000,000 in assets

Oh, so now it's optimal market value plus assets, huh? Look, just don't ever touch a keyboard again.

.d

My condolences for the deaths of your parents. I must assume that they passed in your youth, and that you were consequently raised by wild animals, because you've written your program in D instead of using C like a proper human being.

260025.828125

Twenty. Six. Thousand.

Do you, perchance, huff paint?

The average value of a cow is ~$2400. Which means that by your "reckoning", some bitch is worth over sixty two million dollars. If I was buying bullshit of that magnitude, I'd be proclaiming Israel as my greatest ally by now. There's simply no way that a woman is worth more than six cows. Seven at most.

Program assigns positive value to a Clinton.

Yeah, look, you're just not cut out for this "computers" thing. Consider something more suitable to your intellectual capacity, like gender studies, or suicide.